A sort of personal shift

I don’t understand, I realize I’m not being heard.

Speaking up has made me the person no one wants to hear.

The people I’m talking to are grown ups, and I have to let go. I’m not in charge.

5 years ago, I went through cancer, death, and disappointment. It seems like I’m facing the same challenges again.

How to let go…it’s so hard.

People can make their own choices, I still love them. They get to choose.

Slowly fading

It’s been a really wild 30 days.

I’ve put so much out- professionally, personally, family-wise.

And it’s all been for nothing.

All the effort, commutation, travel, planning, all of it.

Now it’s all turned to nothing.

I think I will take some time off, and just refocus.

I chide myself….what was I thinking?

I’m grateful to wake up and move on.

Choosing to focus on Gratitude

It’s been a tough month. Travel, work, a beloved pet passing, a parent suffering a major fall, another parent moving to full nursing care, selling a parents home, moving all the old stuff, family drama, and I got out of balance and tried to cook my way into a sense of normal.

The sorrow, knowing that my dad will pass soon.

The sorrow knowing my mother in law will pass soon too.

The sorrow over the loss of Rascal.

The swamping, suffocating feeling of helplessness, as things have to be done, now, not later.

It Steals my motivation, energy, and care.

There’s So Much Talk Of Being Wild

https://scurvyq52.wordpress.com/2019/03/15/theres-so-much-talk-of-being-wild/
— Read on scurvyq52.wordpress.com/2019/03/15/theres-so-much-talk-of-being-wild/

CaptainQ had this post this morning. He’s talking about how people on social media appear perfect, and work hard to adjust the perception all the time with their perfect punctuation, pictures etc. It was the right post, at the right time for me. I think I’m a wild and free individual, but maybe I’ve focused on keeping my image a little too “perfectly punctuated.”

I try to keep things reasonably light, and my purpose is to focus on gratitude. I’m not grateful For everything, but I find ways to focus on the good things in my life when the circumstances I’m (neck deep) in aren’t always good.

To drag myself out of the swamping emotions, and feelings of helplessness I choose to be grateful today for:

  1. A really sweet phone call from my husband this morning.
  2. The rain is gone for today, I’ll get to see the sunshine
  3. Time to exercise
  4. My warm and comfy home
  5. My job
  6. Our other dog, Dolly, is eating more, and she seems to be coming out of her sorrow over Rascals passing.
  7. The opportunity to be good to someone today.

Thanks for taking time to read, and I hope wherever you might be, that your Friday is Fabulous.

What are you grateful for today?

A great reminder

Expectations are things that trip me up.

I’m not sure why I have fallen back into expectations, but I got a good kick in the pants and it’s time to get back to appreciation and gratitude.

Expectations put an unnecessary pressure to situations, and I have found that they also limit my ability to appreciate.

I’m starting off with a fresh perspective this morning.

I’m so grateful for the kick in the pants that woke me up from expectations and reminded me to appreciate the gifts in front of me.

Have you ever been grateful for a kick in the pants?

Yoga, friends, and letting go

I was in a minor fender bender this weekend. Not my fault, I got rear-ended by a youngster on a slick road on Saturday. She wasn’t supposed to be driving the Mercedes, and she was quite a little brat about the whole thing. She wouldn’t give me her insurance info. . My Jeep has a tow hook, and it did a fabulous job of decimating the front of her hood. Her hood crumpled the bottom of my bumper. So I called in the police to the scene to write up a formal report. The police took care of her uncooperative attitude.

I wasn’t happy about how I handled the situation, because I let the little brat get to me. I kept my composure, but I allowed the situation to replay in my mind. I found myself grumbling, and complaining. Time to let go.

There was a new class listed at the yoga studio on Sunday afternoon, and my yoga buddy Kimberly asked me to go. Yoga with my buddy? Yep, I’m in. It was a really small class, in our cozy little room that smelled of lavender. Having Kimberly to encourage me, and focusing on breathing in and breathing out left me relaxed, and my mind was thankfully at peace.

It’s amazing how far I’ve come in the last year, from barely touching my toes in forward fold to now having my palms on the floor. Going from Down Dog to Plank without huffing and puffing. Not overly complaining about Chaturanga, the slow low push up. I know I have a ways to go, but I’m getting better. Progress is a good thing.

I’m grateful that no one was hurt in the accident. I’m more grateful that my practice has taken me from looking at others and being discouraged by the difference in technique to just focusing on my technique and getting better.

I love this Bunny Yoga poster. It’s so much more my style than the perfect body yoga posters.

#5 my biggest issue

I’m an over thinker.

So I’ve stood up to the Non-Profit where I’ve volunteered to be abused.

Now I’m overthinking.

Just looking at the previous 2 sentences, I’m really happy. I can let that s#!% go.

I’m very grateful today:

Crossing off trying to please everyone.

Crossing off fearing change, I’m an agent of change, baby.

Crossing off living in the past.

Crossing off Putting myself down.

Working on Overthinking.

I’ve made progress.

What do you ignore?

We live in a very touchy society.

Being offended is an art form.

We are offended by the news, politics, food choices, traffic, smoking, vaping, perfume, noise, silence, comfort, hardships, weather, education, ignorance, pretense, sex, lack of sex, choices, forced opinions about choices, religion, science, fireworks, patriotism…..

So many people thinking that they know so much but ignore nothing because they are too busy being offended.

What would happen if we would just relax?

Is ignoring the silliness the best way of knowing what is good?

Tomorrow is Monday. Let’s just chill out.

(You know I Had To Do It!)

https://youtu.be/Q3_2entulkw

I didn’t think it was true

As I gave up on resolutions, and accepted where I am right now I started to understand how much I have changed over the last 5 years.

In March of 2013 I started this blog as a basic attempt to have a focused time of Gratitude. I wanted to find something every day, if possible, to be grateful for.

In 2013, I was really struggling trying to take care of my terminally ill mother, travel for work, maintain my marriage, be a mom, go through menopause. I was spread out very thin, and Gratitude was my anchor to keeping a form of balance in my life.

Through the journey of finding gratitude in the little things and big things of my life, I have changed over the last 5 years. It was slow, it wasn’t easy, but as I look back I have changed in more ways than I’ve realized.

Gratitude keeps me grounded, and I have found it’s easier to let things go and not get so stressed.

Being more than just my profession, is the biggest change. I used to solely identify with my work role. I was Wendy the Mortgage Professional. 25 years seasoned mortgage veteran. Blah, Blah, Blah. Now I embrace just being Wendy, and that is plenty good enough.

Women friends. I’ve developed some nice friendships outside of my work friends. I’m so grateful to have these crazy gal pals. They are so much fun, and it has nothing to do with my professional identity.

Learning to laugh at my mistakes instead of agonizing for weeks over them is a big change too.

Self-Care is not selfish. You can’t pour out of an empty vessel. I’ve learned that if I take time to take care of myself, I can better care for others.

I’ve had a lot of fun with Zumba, Yoga and TRX. Fitness has it’s place and helps me keep my stress levels down. I never thought I would ever have the patience or desire to do Yoga. It’s such a pleasure to say that I’ve really come to enjoy it, and it’s one of my favorite things to do.

My bees have taught me a lot about patience, creativity and hard work. I never thought I would be so fascinated with bugs! It is the most surprising things over the last 5 years that I would give one flip about a bug. I love my bees.

I’ve come to better accept myself. I think it was easier to give up on trying to change myself through New Years resolutions, because I have changed so much already, and I like myself better now than I ever have.

Gratitude has been the path of new discoveries, and although the changes have been slow, and small they have made a big difference in me becoming a better Wendy. The journey isn’t finished, and I’m excited to see what happens next.

Coming up on an anniversary

It’s been 3 years since my mother passed at the end of this month.  

Do I remember if it was the 28th, 29th, 30th.  No. My brother does.  It was harder on him. 

I had a difficult relationship with my mom. As often as I would try to reconcile, she would change the rules.

Her message to me was that I was never enough.  She had expectations, and I could never fill them.  She was the ultimate victim, utterly disappointed.

I came across a passage in an article about Narcissitic Aging. It hit home with me, and all I could feel was sympathy.

She missed out on so much……Especially with her grandsons.  Her last night on earth, She was surrounded by her last two friends from tennis, a well meaning, but co-dependent couple. Their role as her care giver/martyr was everything they wanted. It was what she wanted too. 

The very last time I left her prestigious gated community and saw it fading in my rear view mirror, I never went back. A door that needed closing clicked shut, and it was good. 

I did my best.  In the grand scheme of things, I can live with that. When I read this passage, it made me sad for her, but she ultimately made her choices.  I believe she’s in a better place, and free from the torment of nothing ever being enough. 

‘An ironic twist of fate…

Their enemy will be their memories.

They can never undo what they’ve done.

They can’t escape their thoughts

When they find themselves alone

Unloved and abandoned.

When their evil has been uncovered,

The truth will pursue them,

Wherever they go.’

 Anne McCrea