Moon shadows, madness, frustration, and tears

  
Image credit: Orgasmicalemy.com

This is the week I’m supposed to hear.  

Monday silent.  Tuesday I email to follow up.  

Internet goes down.  Husband doesn’t understand.  

Files go missing.  Passwords disappear.

Ladders to reach equipment that are put in the most inconvenient part of the closet.

Biggest ladder, I’m still too short to reach what I need.

Tears.

Apps don’t work.

Passwords are lost.

Techs don’t speak English.

Still no call.  Still no job.  It’s only Tuesday….don’t panic.

The moon pulls at me, full last night, and up way past noon.

I put on the shoes and get ready to run.

Stretching 2 miles into three.

362 calories burned?  Are you kidding?  

That’s a lot of effort for so little reward.

Pout.

I have talent.  I have gifts.

I’m ready.  I’m out there.

I’m not F’ing around.

Unapologetic

It was one of those “Ah Ha” moments.

I’ve been bouncing around two other words for my “Word of the Year”.

Since Grace suited me so well last year, I didn’t want to leave the Word unstated for 2016.

Earlier this afternoon, I thought I’d look at my email.  I got a request for an interview.  I’ve been interviewing, and looking for the ‘right’ job since July.  Nothing ever seemed to pan out.  I trust my ‘creep-o-meter’ implicitly, and when I got passed over for a job before Thanksgiving, I was second guessing myself, and worried.  Beating myself to a pulp for being too picky, waiting too long, not being self-confident, setting the bar “too-low”, being too proud.

See…I was all over the map!

Then I went to my office to clean off a pile of books on my desk, and this was in my reading pile.

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I’ve been browsing through it, making notes, and seeing what resonated with me.  Well, the whole book is great, but what really hit home when going through it, was changing my self perception so that I don’t project any negativity.

I don’t have to apologize for being direct, honest, fierce, or driven, those are all parts of me.  I love them as much as the goofy, funny, dog-loving, bee keeper, nerd parts of me.

Pg 19  Every job I was denied for…opened the door to new opportunities.  Every relationship that hurt me…led me to my true love.  Every mistake I thought would be the end of me…pointed me toward an incredible success.  Sometimes when you think your losing, you’re winning.

So my word for 2016 is Unapologetic.  I will be genuine, and happy in my own skin.

I’m looking forward to the interview with a great expectation of Something Good is coming my way.

 

Lump in my throat

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Another application out today.

The search for my “reentry” point proceeds.

Each time I put out my resume I send it out with a breath and a sigh.

It’s been 7 months since I took a step back.

These last 7 months have been very good for me, mentally, spiritually, and physically.

Now, I’m getting antsy.  I’m not taking the rejection letters well.

There is a place out there for me, I just have to keep plugging.

I keep visualizing three and four offers coming in at one time, and not knowing which one to pick.

Until then.  I breath deep, and let it go.

Reference check

The email appears last night at 5:09 pm.

Its esoteric request was disappointing.  

Urgent!  

You have achieved the next level in our selection process.  Please log in and provide us with the email addresses of 5 professional references.  One of the references must be a former manager.  These references cannot be friends or family! 

 This is a very important step in our selection process and must be completed within 48 hours.

If you are no longer interested in this position, please click here, and you will be removed from our selection process.

Most of the people I’ve worked with in the past are friends….that poses a dilemma.  

What questions are emailed in this survey?

Next week is Thanksgiving, and most of my friends are taking the week off.

Since the email came in after 5pm on Friday, when does the 48 hours start?

What happened to the other 4 applicants being considered?

  
What will my friends think about this survey?  They’ve been gracious enough to accept….but?

Why do I feel so exposed, and stupid?

Do I want to take this next step?

Today I am grateful for choices, a supportive husband, and a little time to think things through.  

Thinking

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Me, last year.  My professional photo for my dream job.

Confidant, happy, fit, sassy (photoshopped kindly by my photographer)….ready to run and succeed.  I had two job offers at once, and was overwhelmed at the choice to make.  I made the wrong choice.  Looking back with regrets, I slap myself to look forward.  Those days are behind me, and what’s done is done.

This year:

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Sweaty, bug bit, no makeup, but happy.  Looking to start over again professionally, but allowing myself the time to do it right this time?  Is there such a thing as ‘doing it right?’  It’s such a leap of faith to go out and put yourself on the line again.  Do I really want to be part of a ‘ground breaking team’?  Ground breaking is damned hard work.  It’s a marathon, it’s messy, its frustrating…..and I’m beginning to wonder if my marathon days are behind me?  I’m looking at three companies.  All would require me to use my contacts, my reputation, and my work ethic to make money for them……What if I change my story?

What if I take the rest of the year off, build up my skills in a new area?  What if I change the way I start over, and not run back to what I know?  If I have to start over anyway….why not change my story?

It’s amazing how a year can turn everything, upside down.

Today, I’m grateful for the time to think, the resources to teach me how to think better, and time to make the right choice.  Eanie, Meanie, Miney, Moe…..ME!

Maybe it’s time for me to realize it’s OK to choose Me.

Jesus help me.  Amen.

Coco or Coconuts?

Nutrition alerts!

It’s been a month on Bee Pollen, Coconut Water, and Coconut oil.

I can honestly say, I have nothing to report.  No weight loss, no increased energy.  No glowing skin.  It’s odd that it doesn’t do anything for my hair either.  In fact my hair doesn’t like it at all.  

However, I got a good report on recent blood tests, so I will take that improvement, and let the coconuts work from the inside out.

Zumba has helped me look better in shorts.  Muscle tone is looking so much better.  It does wonders for my mood and mental well being.

My exersize in Patience, has left me a little tired.  The silence and non-response from the people I reached out to, has me a bit sad, and discouraged.  

The old doors seem cemented shut against me.  So, it looks like it is time to turn the page and start a new chapter in my life.  

The question now, is it back to school for me?

  
Photo from Town and Country