Coming up on an anniversary

It’s been 3 years since my mother passed at the end of this month.  

Do I remember if it was the 28th, 29th, 30th.  No. My brother does.  It was harder on him. 

I had a difficult relationship with my mom. As often as I would try to reconcile, she would change the rules.

Her message to me was that I was never enough.  She had expectations, and I could never fill them.  She was the ultimate victim, utterly disappointed.

I came across a passage in an article about Narcissitic Aging. It hit home with me, and all I could feel was sympathy.

She missed out on so much……Especially with her grandsons.  Her last night on earth, She was surrounded by her last two friends from tennis, a well meaning, but co-dependent couple. Their role as her care giver/martyr was everything they wanted. It was what she wanted too. 

The very last time I left her prestigious gated community and saw it fading in my rear view mirror, I never went back. A door that needed closing clicked shut, and it was good. 

I did my best.  In the grand scheme of things, I can live with that. When I read this passage, it made me sad for her, but she ultimately made her choices.  I believe she’s in a better place, and free from the torment of nothing ever being enough. 

‘An ironic twist of fate…

Their enemy will be their memories.

They can never undo what they’ve done.

They can’t escape their thoughts

When they find themselves alone

Unloved and abandoned.

When their evil has been uncovered,

The truth will pursue them,

Wherever they go.’

 Anne McCrea

 

Goodbye to my mother

It is the end.

The 4 year battle with leiomyosarcoma is over. Diagnosed at stage 4 with masses in the abdomen, lungs, and brain, we have finished, and my mother is home.

Radiation, chemo, surgery, and experimental studies at MD Anderson.

At 2:10 this morning, my mother let go of this earthly realm, and went home.

One thing that she and I could agree on was her winning options. “Philippians 1:22-23 But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard-pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. ”

We agreed when she was diagnosed that either way; healing, testimony and ministry, or going to heaven, she wins. There is no loss when death has been defeated by Jesus finished work. Her Peace is now complete, and I can see her in my future.

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So my dear friends, as I go through the social conventions of death, burial, and holidays, please send me your prayers and best thoughts, as I hold my head up amongst the wolves of convention who don’t know me, as I say “thank you” to the religious seekers, as I suffer the condemnation of those that don’t share my view on death, Jesus, or boundaries….send loving thoughts my way.

I didn’t share my mothers hobbies, habits, tastes, preferences, friends, church, or opinions on what “truth” means in communication between human beings related to one another….but she is the only human being who gave me birth and life, and taught me every important lesson on what not to do to your family, how not to treat your children, and to have standards without apology.

I chose the red dress for my mom’s final viewing. I chose the upbeat songs. I send her off with a waive of my hand to the sky, knowing that she isn’t here, she is enjoying heaven, and I will see her again someday, and we will finally have a good relationship.

Thanks mom.