Well….cuss words

My heart has a cold fist around it.

I’m beside myself with frozen emotion.

Our nephew, precious young man, engaged to be married, his wedding to his lovely Heather is in December…he has been diagnosed with a soft tissue sarcoma. I met him when he was 4 years old, the cutest little boy. I fell in love with him immediately. He’s been part of my family’s holidays ever since. I’ve not had a Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July, Birthdays, Baseball game…Game of Thrones episode without him.

The mass is in his chest wall, wrapped against a rib and pressed against his liver, about the size of a small dinner plate. He’s 32, and in for a fight.

He and Heather are currently in a strategy session with MD Anderson to investigate this mass further, and determine how to fight. It wont’ be without surgery, radiation et al.

If I could get ahold of that devil, and stomp on his head with my 7 1/2 foot, I’d put a hurt on him like he’s never known. Big Cuss Words!

Colin has an Aunt Wendy who’s praying for him. We are coming together as a family to support our precious young man. Please pray for him, he’s like one of my own boys.

I’ve got sunshine on a funky Friday.

It’s been a tough week.

Things are never so difficult as dealing with your own mind.

That’s where the battle is won, in the mind.

The battles fought in the mind are horrific, and long.

Sunshine is the best remedy.

Flowers are cheer for the soul.

I’m so grateful to live where I live, in the sunshine, an in abundance of flowers.

Unstoppable, and unfortunate common denominator

If anyone had told me last year, “by this time next year: your father won’t speak to you, your son will have a pacemaker, your mother will blame you for everything bad in her life and hate you, your brother will abandon you, and your husband (after knowing you for 23 years) will say, I thought it was just a ‘personality’ thing between you and your mom. I would have never believed she could act this way. (That might have been the hardest.)

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Now….I am just a woman looking for some peace…letting go of what I can’t control. Forgiving people who don’t believe me, don’t listen, disregard, scoff, or just rudely project their insecurities on me.

I have to keep moving. This opposition is not going to stop me, or stand between me and being me, really me, not just who they thought I was supposed to be…what they got used to being me….that doesn’t work anymore.

I have to face the facts that I am the common denominator in all things volatile in my family in standing up, not acting like I am supposed to. I am searching and searching for my part in this. I stood up and said enough. That may have been sufficient…considering how I have suppressed my need for family boundaries so long…..unleashing that anger caused damage.

Aren’t the people who are supposed to ‘love you’….aren’t they supposed to ‘know you’?  Aren’t they supposed to want the best for you?  Aren’t they supposed to believe in you?  I guess not in my situation.  The norm is my support, my belief, my encouragement, my capitulation, my hospitality, my enthusiasm.  My bank has run dry.

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If you are facing anything today that stands between where you are and where you are supposed to be, regardless of the opposition…..square your shoulders, ready your fists, face your target, and keep moving.

If you can negotiate, state your terms. If not, prepare for battle and consequences.

Be ready for the change in your relations, it will be hard. You face the change, or retreat to your former situation.

I’m convinced that a part of hell consists of family dissapproval, manipulation, contempt, and all forms of pride.

Lord, keep me as I move forward, correct me if I am wrong, and bless all those who abuse me as I move forward. Expand my borders, honor the seeds I have sown in honoring my parents, and honoring you. Let me not be ashamed, according to your word, in Jesus name.

Sometimes, you have to stand up.  In doing so, accept the consequences, be authentic to who you are.

It isn’t easy.  There will be pain.  Trust God, if you make a mistake, He will Help you.

God knows, He has helped me, and I trust He will continue.

 

but Jesus, this does hurt.