Coming up on an anniversary

It’s been 3 years since my mother passed at the end of this month.  

Do I remember if it was the 28th, 29th, 30th.  No. My brother does.  It was harder on him. 

I had a difficult relationship with my mom. As often as I would try to reconcile, she would change the rules.

Her message to me was that I was never enough.  She had expectations, and I could never fill them.  She was the ultimate victim, utterly disappointed.

I came across a passage in an article about Narcissitic Aging. It hit home with me, and all I could feel was sympathy.

She missed out on so much……Especially with her grandsons.  Her last night on earth, She was surrounded by her last two friends from tennis, a well meaning, but co-dependent couple. Their role as her care giver/martyr was everything they wanted. It was what she wanted too. 

The very last time I left her prestigious gated community and saw it fading in my rear view mirror, I never went back. A door that needed closing clicked shut, and it was good. 

I did my best.  In the grand scheme of things, I can live with that. When I read this passage, it made me sad for her, but she ultimately made her choices.  I believe she’s in a better place, and free from the torment of nothing ever being enough. 

‘An ironic twist of fate…

Their enemy will be their memories.

They can never undo what they’ve done.

They can’t escape their thoughts

When they find themselves alone

Unloved and abandoned.

When their evil has been uncovered,

The truth will pursue them,

Wherever they go.’

 Anne McCrea


20 thoughts on “Coming up on an anniversary

  1. I totally get this. My issues with my dad are the impetus for starting this….whatever it is I do here. It’s much different than when I started. But anyway, I know it’s hard to lose a parent, regardless of how the relationship was…or whether the relationship was over long before they passed. I’m sorry. 😔

    • Thanks. I’m a firm believer we have choices in this life, but her choices made me really consider mine closely. I’m better for it. I have great relationships with my children and my husband.
      I wasn’t sad when she died, I was just ready. That’s a bit of a sad confession. I wish I could have felt more, but it wasn’t there. I can only make sure my life is different. When these anniversaries come up, I think it’s important to mark the passing, and maybe learn a little more on how I can improve myself.

  2. It’s amazing how much impact our parents have on us–whether for good or for bad, happy or sad. I’m sorry your experience was so negative, but so proud of you that you rose above it with your own family and learned how to protect yourself. I know that when Thanksgiving comes you will find many blessings to count. (And that includes your ability to perform incredible yoga contortions!🙃)

    • Thanks. I’ve come a long way in the last 3 years. I have a ways to go, I’m just glad that I’m better than I was.
      Happy Thanksgiving. Are you back in Mexico? I hope wherever you are you have a wonderful time.

  3. Wendy, I’m glad you’ve come to terms with your relationship. I had a similar situation with my mom and feel like I made peace with the way things were by the end of her life a few years ago. I’m trying to do things differently and finally living my life for myself. Hugs to you!❤️

  4. It’s so sad, Wendy. If only everyone realized how short our time in life really is. Put aside little differences and move on. I’m happy that you’ve come to terms with it.

  5. We don’t get to choose our parents, or really what family we’re born into. We do get to choose, though, how we deal with them, or even to make the choice not to deal with them at all. My mental and emotional health improved immeasurably many years ago when I first chose the type of relationship I wanted to have (at that time) with my mother especially. The ways I have of dealing with all these family relationships have changed over time, as members have come and gone, and I am comfortable with them, even if other family members are not. Their choices have been different than mine, mostly, to date, but I can still hope that they will change. If not, I can accept that. Glad that you seemed to have reached a similar conclusion and found some peace in whatever relationship you had with your mom before she died. I think that’s important for ourselves and our children, too.

    • It’s amazing how many people I’ve run into that have had the same struggles. It’s nice to know that I’ve not been alone.
      My most recent conclusion, now that time has passed, is that everyone was doing the ‘best they could’, but most of them were just really selfish. It was them, not me. I just happened to be in the way. They would have behaved the same way to anyone else.
      It was a great lesson in ‘what not to do’.

      • I look at it as mental or emotional self-preservation, which I can’t help but look at as me being selfish, though my spouse and friends tell me it’s not. Just another vicious cycle I need to keep trying to break out of, I guess.

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