My photo.  Muir Woods 2014. 

It is the firmness of the ground that allows me to propel myself forward.

This is the thought that rolled through my head most of the night.

Today I’m very grateful for the firm foundation, the hard ground, that allows me to move forward.

Coming up on an anniversary

It’s been 3 years since my mother passed at the end of this month.  

Do I remember if it was the 28th, 29th, 30th.  No. My brother does.  It was harder on him. 

I had a difficult relationship with my mom. As often as I would try to reconcile, she would change the rules.

Her message to me was that I was never enough.  She had expectations, and I could never fill them.  She was the ultimate victim, utterly disappointed.

I came across a passage in an article about Narcissitic Aging. It hit home with me, and all I could feel was sympathy.

She missed out on so much……Especially with her grandsons.  Her last night on earth, She was surrounded by her last two friends from tennis, a well meaning, but co-dependent couple. Their role as her care giver/martyr was everything they wanted. It was what she wanted too. 

The very last time I left her prestigious gated community and saw it fading in my rear view mirror, I never went back. A door that needed closing clicked shut, and it was good. 

I did my best.  In the grand scheme of things, I can live with that. When I read this passage, it made me sad for her, but she ultimately made her choices.  I believe she’s in a better place, and free from the torment of nothing ever being enough. 

‘An ironic twist of fate…

Their enemy will be their memories.

They can never undo what they’ve done.

They can’t escape their thoughts

When they find themselves alone

Unloved and abandoned.

When their evil has been uncovered,

The truth will pursue them,

Wherever they go.’

 Anne McCrea


The kiss

I have been married a long time.  I’ve had the opportunity to kiss my husband thousands of times. Do I still kiss him with my eyes?  Hmm. I’m not sure.  Something to think about. 

I’m not talking about Romance.  I’m talking about routine Maintenance in a practical sense.   You don’t drive a car without changing the oil, rotating the tires, or keeping the brakes working.   Is The Kiss the basic maintenance of a marriage?

Being of a certain age and being together with my husband for so very long, the kiss….. unless exercised can get a bit dull.  It could seize up completely. The peck, or perfunctory smooch… has its functions.  I’m not a teenager. It’s not about the slobbering, sloppy, silly, stuff.   I’m speaking of The Kiss. 

 I’m starting an experiment. I miss The Kiss. The seductive, knee buckling, spine tingling, ‘wow’ kiss. The one where we tried harder?  The kiss of intention.  The claiming kiss.  The kiss of promise, passion, and commitment.  The Kiss when we meant it to express our care and desire for one another.

I’m reinstating the flirt.  Why?  Isn’t that where we started?  Introduction, assessment, inquiry, conversation, and instigation?  Too technical, I know, but that’s how it breaks down.  You meet, you look, you talk, then you try (go out, hang out, text, whatever).  I want to try harder.  I want to rekindle the maintenance and management of us.  Anything can go bad if your don’t take care of it.  I’m going to start taking better care.

  I’m focusing on how great is his smile.  How broad his shoulders, how strong his arms.  How he laughs.  What makes him laugh?  How can I touch his arm?  How can I make him feel wonderful, appreciated, cared for, wanted?  Would he hold me in those strong arms?  How can I dress for him?  Am I my best for him?  Does he still want me?

People try so hard to impress, dress, speak, and act to attract a stranger.  Why shouldn’t we maintain those things for the ones we’ve committed our lives to….Whom we’ve professed our love for….those?

Tonight, invited my husband out on a date in a very flirtatious manner. I might even let him kiss me at the door when we say goodnight.

Cheers to the Kiss, and to reacquainting flirtation and fun to an old romance.  Cheers to some old fashion maintenance.

My husband and I have been friends and lovers for over 25 years, we don’t have to be “old” about it.  

Three legged dog, wheel class, where plank is my resting pose.

My Sunday, Fun Day yoga classes. 

I love my yoga wheel, it’s a great prop.  The studio where I practice has whole classes that uses the yoga wheel for the Vinyasa flow. 

This is my wheel….A picture of it anyway, I bought it on Amazon. 

It has a little weight, so as we move through the flow, we have some weight to work our muscles in a different way.

Today our challenge was to take warrior one with the wheel, pivot forward to use the weight of the wheel to work our backs and thighs, go to plank, then down dog, to three legged dog, to one leg plank.

Here in Warrior 1, we would be holding wheel overhead, pivoting from the hips to point the wheel forward to hold the upper body parallel to the supporting thigh.  It was very hard. Dripping sweat difficult. 

After three rounds of pointing the wheel forward to upright Warrior 1 on one side we moved to down dog, then three legged dog. 

From here we had to move forward to the 1 legged plank.

These aren’t my photos. I snagged these off Pinterest.  I don’t take my phone into class.  Needless to say I was huffing and puffing by the time we got through three rounds of this flow.  Of course we had to do three rounds on each side.   My instructor thought she would kick up the challenge  by pulling on my wheel during my back work.  I had to stick my tongue out at her and make funny faces. At least she has a sense of humor. 

This is one of those classes where plank is my resting pose.  I always get an amazing work out, and have a good laugh because of the fun gals in the class. 

We always end our practice with inversions, and I’m really close to releasing my wheel on my headstand.  My shoulders are getting stronger by the day.

What are you doing today to challenge yourself, have fun ,or relax?