The last few years have been……difficult. Disease, hospitals, rejection, cursing, condemnation, death, loss, funerals, estate sales, destruction, interference, and lectures. I think being preached at by my mother’s pastor at her graveside service was my undoing. Throw menopause, severe hormonal imbalance,and job loss in the mix……I was in a firestorm for quite a long time.
Being a strong person, I internalized everything. My standard response to everything was “I’m fine.” I thought if I could just keep moving, I would eventually come out on the other side. My husband became quite concerned for me, my brother became quite a bother over his concern for me. Friends disappeared, as I would not engage. I came to hear the phrase “What is wrong with Wendy?”over, and over, and over and over. It really pissed me off. I’m mean really? 3 deaths in 18 months, my son’s pace maker, my father disowning me because I wouldn’t let his wife take over my son’s pacemaker situation, my mother cursing me as she demanded me care for her, her interfering neighbors and church friends undoing everything I put together, the wolves of convention chanting “what’s wrong with you”, not being able to keep up at work, losing my dream job, my body deciding to change on me in the middle of it? What the fuck? I’d like to see anyone keep up as well as I did for three years of this continual crap.
Desperate to have some control over my life, I started a concentrated focus on cultivating gratitude, and I made the decision to contol my thoughts.
My mind would play: “What’s wrong with Wendy?”
I would fight back: “That’s not my thought! I’m an amazing, talented woman with a great big, loving heart.”
My mind would play my mother’s cursing: “You are nothing, no one likes you, no one wants to be around you! You don’t know God! You had better….”
I would fight back: “That’s not my thought! I’m greatly loved by my family, and it is written in my bible, that I am the beloved of God.”
My mind would play: “Everything is going wrong, you can’t make it.”
I would fight back: “That’s not my thought! I’ve got so much to be grateful for. I woke up today. My heart is beating, and I’m able to breathe. I have the strength to clean my house. I have a family who loves me.”
This blog, that will be celebrating 3 years in just 2 short months has helped me really focus on harnessing my thoughts. Here, I have cultivated gratitude. It has been a gardening project in many ways. I’ve pulled the weeds, the invasive, destructive weeds like “What’s wrong with Wendy”, “I’m so depressed”, “I just can’t”, “no one likes you”, and other negative things, that choked out the beauty of my design. I’ve turned the fallow ground of my abandoned imagination and planted seeds of self care, care for others, and joy. I’ve chosen to plant “Yes, I can”, “I’m so grateful for what I have”, and “I’m going to try anyway, even though I don’t feel like it.”
Here I’ve met new friends, enjoyed the beauty of their journeys, and became better at externalizing and letting go. I’ve grown out of my damaged self, and I’m so much better for it.
I don’t mean to imply that I don’t still have challenges, but I’ve come a long way. I’m so grateful for that.
I’m also supremely grateful for the encouragement, kindness, and uplifting comments from my WordPress family.