Emerging from a dark place

The last few years have been……difficult.  Disease, hospitals, rejection, cursing, condemnation, death, loss, funerals, estate sales, destruction, interference, and lectures.  I think being preached at by my mother’s pastor at her graveside service was my undoing.  Throw menopause, severe hormonal imbalance,and job loss in the mix……I was in a firestorm for quite a long time.

Being a strong person, I internalized everything.  My standard response to everything was “I’m fine.”  I thought if I could just keep moving, I would eventually come out on the other side.  My husband became quite concerned for me, my brother became quite a bother over his concern for me.  Friends disappeared, as I would not engage.  I came to hear the phrase “What is wrong with Wendy?”over, and over, and over and over.  It really pissed me off.  I’m mean really?  3 deaths in 18 months, my son’s pace maker, my father disowning me because I wouldn’t let his wife take over my son’s pacemaker situation, my mother cursing me as she demanded me care for her, her interfering neighbors and church friends undoing everything I put together,  the wolves of convention chanting “what’s wrong with you”, not being able to keep up at work, losing my dream job, my body deciding to change on me in the middle of it?  What the fuck?  I’d like to see anyone keep up as well as I did for three years of this continual crap.

Desperate to have some control over my life, I started a concentrated focus on cultivating gratitude, and I made the decision to contol my thoughts.

My mind would play:  “What’s wrong with Wendy?”

I would fight back:  “That’s not my thought!  I’m an amazing, talented woman with a great big, loving heart.”

My mind would play my mother’s cursing:  “You are nothing, no one likes you, no one wants to be around you!  You don’t know God!  You had better….”

I would fight back:  “That’s not my thought!  I’m greatly loved by my family, and it is written in my bible, that I am the beloved of God.”

My mind would play:  “Everything is going wrong, you can’t make it.”

I would fight back:  “That’s not my thought!  I’ve got so much to be grateful for.  I woke up today.  My heart is beating, and I’m able to breathe.  I have the strength to clean my house.  I have a family who loves me.”

This blog, that will be celebrating 3 years in just 2 short months has helped me really focus on harnessing my thoughts.  Here, I have cultivated gratitude.  It has been a gardening project in many ways.  I’ve pulled the weeds, the invasive, destructive weeds like “What’s wrong with Wendy”, “I’m so depressed”, “I just can’t”, “no one likes you”, and other negative things, that choked out the beauty of my design.  I’ve turned the fallow ground of my abandoned imagination and planted seeds of self care, care for others, and joy.  I’ve chosen to plant “Yes, I can”, “I’m so grateful for what I have”, and “I’m going to try anyway, even though I don’t feel like it.” 

Here I’ve met new friends, enjoyed the beauty of their journeys, and became better at externalizing and letting go.  I’ve grown out of my damaged self, and I’m so much better for it.

I don’t mean to imply that I don’t still have challenges, but I’ve come a long way.  I’m so grateful for that.

I’m also supremely grateful for the encouragement, kindness, and uplifting comments from my WordPress family.

Thanks everyone.

20 thoughts on “Emerging from a dark place

  1. Great post! I have been thinking and talking about gratitude a lot these days–it’s a game changer for me, changing my perspective before my circumstances change. Love that you’re being real and that even through life’s hurts you’re still pressing into God’s great love for you. Blessings friend, and thanks for sharing:)

    • It’s my lifeline for sure.
      How’s Mr. Wonderful. Did you get the MRI thing straightened out?
      That’s got to be so tough. God bless you for keeping your gratitude.

      • He’s good except for the seizures lol:) The MRI had to be done for the shoulder and we’re hoping to see a civilian doc before 2/25, but if not we have an appt at the VA that day. Just ready to know what’s going on with him!! Thanks for asking😊

  2. The enemy thief sows thoughts of doubt, unbelief, fear – and he uses the mouth of nondiscerning people to spew those seeds. (John 10:10). Words can be destructive, or creative! You have recognized those words for what they are – and where they really came from – and have chosen the creative kind, thank God! Keep on agreeing with and speaking Zoe life, and that more abundant. Thank you so much for sharing, Wendy. 🙂

  3. Love, love this post Wendy. I’ve read (not sure where) that what people think and comment about us, it’s THEIR thoughts, THEIR comments, they are not ours, we should not lose time think about THEIR stuff, it is up to them to solve it, not us. This is always in my mind when someone bothers me. Being strong inside, the way you doing, is the best gift you can give to yourself. And you are right, this community we have here, our posts, they bring us together and can help much more than ‘friends’ that are physically close to us. Have a wonderful day, and Hurray for you strength.

  4. It does seem that those closest to us save the most cutting words for us. I’m happy to see your wonderful garden bloom, Wendy. I know that I’ll be here to witness more happiness.

  5. I know without a doubt I simply adore you. Although we don’t see each other, you’re like family to me. Always so uplifting and encouraging through your blog and never judging and just so thoughtful. It feels like I really know you. Thank you for just being you and always so honest and putting yourself out here for all of us to know you, hugs sweetness!

  6. You’re you’re such a strong woman and an inspiration. You’re also beautiful and have a kick ass attitude. Never change. By the way, I have been reading and liking your posts. I just figured out WordPress didn’t get the memo. Grr

    • Thank you. That’s one of the nicest things to say, and coming from such a talented beautiful woman, I’m just so thankful for the compliment. I appreciate you so much Tosha.

  7. You ARE beloved of God. He says so! He also says to watch the words that come out of our mouths because they come from our hearts. I am so sorry that so many, especially those close to you, have vented the ugliness inside themselves on you–especially in the name of God. I just can’t fathom the unkindness. The only one I might be able to excuse (totally without knowing the circumstances) is your mother. I know that caregivers often get blamed for so much by those they are caring for; it is an expression of their fear, pain, and frustration at losing control of their lives and their bodies. It doesn’t make it right and it doesn’t make it hurt less, but it is a reason. The others don’t have an excuse.

    I am sorry you have had to go through so much all at one time. I have said during challenging times: “I can take it at home; I can take it at work. But not both at the same time.” And yet, I have survived. God is good. Often I have not even known how to pray about my circumstances. At those times the Holy Spirit prays for me and God’s love sustains me.

    I am glad you are coming out on the other side. Things are better. If you can write about it, then things are definitely better. Maybe not good. Certainly not perfect, but better. And better is a better place to be. Surround yourself with those who are kind and try to ignore those who are not. Peace and strength as you move forward.

    • Thank you so much my friend. These last few years have been an exercise in forgiveness on so many levels, and letting go. Jesus has been my Rock through it all. I think He knew I needed this time to heal, and pray through the baggage, and hurt.
      We might have to go through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but we aren’t supposed to set up camp, decorate, and stay for any time.
      My next step is to get back in Church on a regular basis. That will be a biggie.
      I hope all is well with you! I hadn’t seen a post from you in a while.
      Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

      • “We might have to go through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, but we aren’t supposed to set up camp, decorate, and stay for any time.” So funny, but so true, Wendy!
        I’m glad you are heading back to church. I hope you find yourself surrounded by love, acceptance, and kindness.
        Thanks for sharing your struggles as well as your successes. You are being real with yourself and others, and that helps everybody.

  8. So glad you are doing well these days, Wendy — blogging really does help a lot with keeping things in perspective and understanding when they’re someone else’s issues.

    • Well, I’ve learned that being strong sometimes sucks, but I’m so damn stubborn, I just can’t quit.
      Thanks for being my friend. Your posts and pics have been brightening my days for a while now.
      I can’t wait to see how big George has gotten.

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