Unstoppable, and unfortunate common denominator

If anyone had told me last year, “by this time next year: your father won’t speak to you, your son will have a pacemaker, your mother will blame you for everything bad in her life and hate you, your brother will abandon you, and your husband (after knowing you for 23 years) will say, I thought it was just a ‘personality’ thing between you and your mom. I would have never believed she could act this way. (That might have been the hardest.)

IMG_0895-0.JPG

Now….I am just a woman looking for some peace…letting go of what I can’t control. Forgiving people who don’t believe me, don’t listen, disregard, scoff, or just rudely project their insecurities on me.

I have to keep moving. This opposition is not going to stop me, or stand between me and being me, really me, not just who they thought I was supposed to be…what they got used to being me….that doesn’t work anymore.

I have to face the facts that I am the common denominator in all things volatile in my family in standing up, not acting like I am supposed to. I am searching and searching for my part in this. I stood up and said enough. That may have been sufficient…considering how I have suppressed my need for family boundaries so long…..unleashing that anger caused damage.

Aren’t the people who are supposed to ‘love you’….aren’t they supposed to ‘know you’?  Aren’t they supposed to want the best for you?  Aren’t they supposed to believe in you?  I guess not in my situation.  The norm is my support, my belief, my encouragement, my capitulation, my hospitality, my enthusiasm.  My bank has run dry.

IMG_0896.JPG

If you are facing anything today that stands between where you are and where you are supposed to be, regardless of the opposition…..square your shoulders, ready your fists, face your target, and keep moving.

If you can negotiate, state your terms. If not, prepare for battle and consequences.

Be ready for the change in your relations, it will be hard. You face the change, or retreat to your former situation.

I’m convinced that a part of hell consists of family dissapproval, manipulation, contempt, and all forms of pride.

Lord, keep me as I move forward, correct me if I am wrong, and bless all those who abuse me as I move forward. Expand my borders, honor the seeds I have sown in honoring my parents, and honoring you. Let me not be ashamed, according to your word, in Jesus name.

Sometimes, you have to stand up.  In doing so, accept the consequences, be authentic to who you are.

It isn’t easy.  There will be pain.  Trust God, if you make a mistake, He will Help you.

God knows, He has helped me, and I trust He will continue.

 

but Jesus, this does hurt.

5 thoughts on “Unstoppable, and unfortunate common denominator

  1. I have this quote posted somewhere on my blog too. It reminds me to keep strong and to not let life get the best of me.

    I can relate to your struggles with your mother. I have my own with mine, and honestly,I find it difficult to do my duties in honoring and caring for her. I feel for you and know your pain….Hugs…

    • Have you read “will I ever be good enough?” Dr. Karyl McBride?
      “Because if everyone just turns out like their mother, then what’s the rat’s ass point?
      —Elizabeth Strout, Amy and Isabelle”

      Excerpt From: McBride, Karyl. “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?.” Simon & Schuster, 2008. iBooks.
      This material may be protected by copyright.

      Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=358500624

    • I hit send too soon trying to paste the info on the book. It has helped me look at things a little differently, and look at my mother as a broken person, instead of just someone who hates me.
      The healing process isn’t easy, I’m just starting to deal with some of the tougher issues, but I am committed to do the work, so that I can keep authentic to me….not defined by expectations, and unhealthy roles.
      Hugs to you! Thanks for the encouragement and support.

      • Thank you, Wendy…I so appreciate it! I’ve heard of that book before, but hadn’t read it. I downloaded it just now and I plan to delve into it this weekend.

        I feel much the same as you, at time I feel sorry for my mother… but I also have experienced trauma in my childhood because of her, and that is difficult to forget. It’s a difficult relationship. The good to come out of it is I made a promise to myself that my relationship with my own children would be different…and it is. We are very close, and they know I love them, they not only hear it each day, they feel it.

        You and I both need to remember that we didn’t cause our mother’s actions, nor did we deserve it. Hugs~

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s